I’m really happy to have great friends in my life. Honestly, I’ve said this too many times… I don’t really think anyone understands me. However, every time I open up to my friends, it never ceases to blow my mind just how they say the most proper things… I’m not sure how it works, but it just does.
Sometimes life can be a little less lovable, believe me. Much as I try my hardest, I find myself fail at it one, maybe two times. There aren’t enough fingers on both my hands and toes to count how many times I’ve shut people out and kept things to myself just because when I hate, I hate everything and everyone (believe me, a person my size can carry so much feelings both good and bad). I shut people out because I have this false belief that I don’t need anyone to survive. I don’t want to have to depend on another living thing to get by. But I’m wrong.
Just like today, I’ve finally opened up to my G about something that I’ve been keeping from him for two years now. I have to admit that I’ve always underestimated his capacity for sympathy and understanding, but tonight, like many other nights, the world proved me wrong. He listened to me, he was sincere and he understood. Get that? He understood. Also the best part? I’m not as angry anymore.
I’d be a hypocrite if I say that I’m always genuinely happy and chipper. No. I’m not always like that. I must say though that I’m good at acting. According to one of my favorite people, “All the world’s a stage. And all the men and women merely players…” I try to mask my anger and heartaches by bringing out positivity and good vibes. Because I don’t want to be remembered as the angry girl. I try so hard to always leave a good mark. Even when my heart is aching and shit, I still want to carry on with my role. The show must go on no matter what.
Thing is, it can be a little bit poisonous… hoarding shit inside. You start to lose yourself, who you really are. It’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to show it, to express it. It’s only natural for anger and pain to manifest itself, for it to be seen. Think of pain and anger as a fireplace. Without the outlet aka the chimney… a passage hole of any sort, It’s gonna damage the whole house beyond repair. My heart is the house. I don’t want that to happen to my house let alone my heart.
So I’m really glad that I tried. And succeeded. It’s baby steps ya know? I’m glad to know that I have a friend like that in my lifetime. Opening up never felt so right.
Yes, I got my heart broken. And it will soon be repaired. I know that someday, someone will come along with a tape and sticky glue and help me put the pieces back together. But not right now… soon.
Till then, I’ll be here soaking up the awesomeness that is Duane’s life.