Wow, I can’t believe I’m here again, giving this another shot. I thought writing to the internet’s no longer a part of me. Just like the dead skins I shed off on the daily. Gone. Zilch.
Upon doing this again, I feel like a former landlord visiting a house that used to be mine. Unfamiliar, but it still feels like home. Uninhabited, but it’s home. Anyways, enough rambling about how my blog feels like an abandoned home. I’m here now. Am I here to stay? We’ll see where my mental state takes me in the next couple of weeks. In the mean time, this will be one of the tools to help me get back out there. One of the tools to save me from myself.
I have been going through some tough shit lately. Nothing remotely earth-shaking compared to the gigantic problems other people face, but it seems pretty comparable to mines when I really think about it. I have never embraced this part of myself because I refuse. I refuse to feel sadness, I refuse to feel loneliness and I refuse to feel knocked down. I always thought that I have a grander, bigger purpose on Earth and being a sad puppy isn’t one of those. The world is sad enough as it is (I mean, can you name our President?!) Years passed and here I am. Finally admitting that there is a void inside somewhere. It took one rude-awakening experience to happen for me to realize all of the heavy things I have been harboring. The signs were there all this time, I was just forceful enough to look the other way.
Truth is, I’m sad. I don’t exactly know why, but I am.
My life is complete perfection. I have a great job that I’m thankful for, a few friends I treasure, a happy family and an amazing dog. Nothing can ever top that. (And before you jump to any conclusions, NO, I’m not sad because I’m single. I’ve pretty much mastered that my happiness is mine and how I define it is what makes it exclusive to me) I feel like a huge part of it is what society thinks I should achieve once I reach a certain age. But I also feel that there is an irrational battle going on inside my head that’s very irksome to me. I just happen to have paid attention recently. It’s not official, I’m not diagnosed. But signs lead to a mild depression. It was hard for me to even find a label to what I have been feeling, but I want to fight whatever this thing is.
Having a name for it somewhat snapped me back to reality. That was my first plan of attack. Second was talking out loud about it. Third was talking to a few trusted people, including my mom about it. Fourth, pausing and figuring out what part of my life needs a drastic change, and which parts of my life need revisiting to find that joy again. Fifth and final is really to keep doing number four.
My life has always revolved around being around for people. I figure one of the biggest changes I can ever make is to make myself available to myself. I, should come first.
As the great Whitney Houston said, “Crack is cheap. Crack is whack.” Just kidding 😆
learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all.
So I’m going to fight this little battle of mine by loving myself more.
Here’s to life. Here’s to an already victorious, landslide battle.
Welcome back, kid.